Many of my Facebook friends have been expressing their thanks all month long with daily statements of those things they were most thankful for. I admire their efforts to do that on a daily basis, and I, too give my thanks to God each evening for His gifts in my life, but that list is largely the same day in and day out with a few thankful exclamations during the day when I rediscover my misplaced car key, or find out that the dribble from lunch didn't stain my new sweater.
It's difficult to put into words my thanks for the wonderful things in my life. Too often I feel that a few words of gratitude are simply inadequate. I know how blessed I am. So, with all humility and the certain knowledge that mere words will fail me, here is my list:
1. I am thankful for my wonderful husband who is my partner in life, a dear friend, a confidant, and absolutely my better half. Without him, my life would be without color and passion.
2. I am thankful for my parents who have taken the idea of loving and supporting their children to a whole new level. Someday, I will write a blog post entitled, "A Mello, A Volleyball, An Airplane and A Parent" to explain further. They have both been excellent role models for me in their personal, professional and spiritual life.
3. I am thankful for my sisters. Sometimes they are as different from me as night from day, and yet it never keeps us from laughing, crying, sharing and caring. I probably don't tell them often enough, but I am so proud of the women they have become, beautiful outside and in.
4. I am thankful for my Monty and Tyson. Dogs love unconditionally and know without having to be told when I need the comfort of a warm furry body wrapped around my feet, in my lap, or (on occasion) in my face, especially during a particularly stressful Notre Dame or Colts football game.
5. I am thankful that I have a roof over my head, and more than that, that we have this particular house. Sure there are bigger houses out there, and those that are fancier. But this one is ours, in its heart and soul, and I love it.
6. I am thankful that, not only do I have a job, but that I have one that I enjoy, that challenges me, that provides me with co-workers whom I genuinely like, and a boss that has gone out of his way to show his appreciation for his staff in general and me in particular.
7. I am thankful for my health. I have not missed a day of work for illness in what has probably been 3 years. Now, I will knock on wood.
8. I am thankful for my faith. The joy and comfort that it gives me has gotten me through some pretty difficult times, especially over the past couple of years.
9. I am thankful for the worship community of St. Mary's Episcopal Church. Just over a year ago, they welcomed me with open arms and have become a source of inspiration and fun.
10. I am thankful that I am who I am. Not long ago, I was devastated to read the words: practical, intelligent, and makes me think through things before being spontaneous in my husband's entry under the Why We Love Each Other heading on our profile letter. Yes, the words were true, and he meant them to be complimentary, but they seemed so very cold and boring, not at all likely to inspire a woman to think, "That's a perfect quality for the mother of my child to have." Those were words to describe a buzz kill of a person. Then a couple of weeks ago, a friend of mine came into the office clearly upset and pulled me aside. After venting and seeking my advice, she said, "I was so hoping you were there, because I knew you could make me calm down and think straight." It's really all a matter of prospective, and now I've got that too. Incidentally, those qualities will likely come in very handy in the teen years...
11. I am thankful for my friends and neighbors. It's good to know that if I dropped off of the face of the earth, someone would notice....and feed the dogs for me.
And last, but by no means least...
12. I am thankful for where we are in the expansion of our family. I believe that God's plan all along was for us to journey down this path, and my generous family members, both alive and gone, have helped us move down this road. We are blessed that we have had the support that we've been given and that we are able to pursue the avenues that we did to welcome a child in our lives. Though adoption wasn't our first choice, it is our best choice and we are so lucky to be in a position to be able to pursue it.
Have a Happy Thanksgiving.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
The Power of Words
One of the things I absolutely deplore about today's society is the phrase, "Just keepin' it real," which apparently means that whatever rude thing that I have just said must be forgiven because I am just telling it the way I see it and you can't judge me or my rudeness.
The fact is, our words have power, and throughout this adoption process, I have come into contact with some very well-meaning people who have no idea how the words that they use betray society's deep held beliefs that adoption is a shameful failure.
For example, I've heard the very common term "give up for adoption" frequently used to describe the process from the prospective of a birth parent. Until I started this journey, I would say the same thing. But look at what is implied in those four simple words. It implies that the people who sought adoption for their birth child were throwing in the towel. They just weren't trying hard enough. They simply quit on their child and the responsibilities of parenthood.
By and large, these women don't abandon their children. They are carefully weighing their options. They are making a very conscientious decision. And they are are doing something all good parents do: they are making a choice with the best interest of their child outweighing their personal desires.
I'd like to invite you to use the alternative when discussing a birth parent's decision: "placing a child in an adoption". Making a placement plan implies forethought, and effort, and concern. And that is what the reality is for most of these women. And that's just keepin' it real.
The fact is, our words have power, and throughout this adoption process, I have come into contact with some very well-meaning people who have no idea how the words that they use betray society's deep held beliefs that adoption is a shameful failure.
For example, I've heard the very common term "give up for adoption" frequently used to describe the process from the prospective of a birth parent. Until I started this journey, I would say the same thing. But look at what is implied in those four simple words. It implies that the people who sought adoption for their birth child were throwing in the towel. They just weren't trying hard enough. They simply quit on their child and the responsibilities of parenthood.
By and large, these women don't abandon their children. They are carefully weighing their options. They are making a very conscientious decision. And they are are doing something all good parents do: they are making a choice with the best interest of their child outweighing their personal desires.
I'd like to invite you to use the alternative when discussing a birth parent's decision: "placing a child in an adoption". Making a placement plan implies forethought, and effort, and concern. And that is what the reality is for most of these women. And that's just keepin' it real.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
"Glee"fully Aware: Television's Role in Raising Adoption Awareness
I have never had a difficult time telling fact from fiction where television is concerned. Most television dramas are intended to entertain and news and documentaries are intended to educate. Rarely is that line so distinct in the real world, however. And many of the dramas on television today attempt to set themselves apart amid the clutter of hundreds of cable channels and thousands of television shows through cutting edge plot lines that no other show wants to touch.
One of the recent new hit shows that thrives on exposing and humorously diffusing previously avoided awkward situations is the musical dramady, Glee. From a cheerleader with Downs Syndrome, to an openly gay relationship; from bullying to mixed families, Glee features a variety of situations that earlier shows shied away from, and though there is always a humorous, slightly nonsensical element to it, it embraces the "misfits" with loving arms.
No one in their right mind would mistake the show for real life.
But, whether the writers intended it or not, by making these stories such a prominent part of the show and by embracing these story lines, they have also embraced the task of bringing awareness to these situations. That has never been more evident than with the recently resurrected story of Quinn's decision to place her and Puck's baby with an adoptive family.
In the first season, Quinn--popular, pretty Cheerio and New Directions member--experienced an unplanned pregnancy, and after a season of confusing and unrealistic plot complications, placed her daughter Beth with a rival glee club coach who happened to be the birth mother of Quinn's glee club rival Rachel. In the second season, you'd think the writers had forgotten all about this prominent story line. But by season three, it was time to resurrect it...unfortunately.
Shelby, Beth's mother, moves to Lima and takes a job in Quinn and Puck's high school. She confronts Quinn about her destructive lifestyle and dangles the promise of an open adoption before her to encourage her to act more responsibly. And after a single night in the company of Beth and Shelby, Quinn decides to go "good" again in an effort to "get full custody," which she believes will happen in a matter of weeks.
And just like that, the writers have gone off the deep end.
Now, I don't expect these writers to get everything right. Or most things right. After all, anyone who watches this show accepts the need to suspend their disbelief for 60 minutes, and a really true to life story line would stick out like a sore thumb. But I did not expect them to write a story line based solely on research gleaned from Lifetime movies.
This story line does a huge disservice to all members of the adoption triad. It portrays birth mothers as unstable baby snatchers. It feeds the fears of hopeful adoptive parents that their adoption is not permanent and subject to revocation at anytime in the 18 years of their son's or daughter's childhood. It treats innocent adoptees as objects to be passed between waring parties.
Most people that have offered opinions on this particular story line seem to understand that it is far-fetched and rooted in the very active imaginations of the writers. But the target audience of this show are the very teens that it depicts, and when the writers are showing their contempt for the women who choose an adoption plan by showing them to be crazy, spiteful and desperate, it plants seeds of doubt in their heads about the wisdom of an adoption plan.
When only 3% of the teenagers who give birth to a child make an adoption plan, it is important to examine why. Adoption is not the answer for every unplanned pregnancy, no matter the age of the mother. But, for many teen moms, they haven't even considered adoption because they believe adoption is still the closed, shameful and secretive institution of the 60's. And Glee's writers should have taken the opportunity, not necessarily to advocate for adoption, but certainly not to advocate against it.
The optimist in me says that at least people are talking about adoption, and no press is bad press. But I wonder which is worse--not talking about adoption at all, or perpetuating the lies?
One of the recent new hit shows that thrives on exposing and humorously diffusing previously avoided awkward situations is the musical dramady, Glee. From a cheerleader with Downs Syndrome, to an openly gay relationship; from bullying to mixed families, Glee features a variety of situations that earlier shows shied away from, and though there is always a humorous, slightly nonsensical element to it, it embraces the "misfits" with loving arms.
No one in their right mind would mistake the show for real life.
But, whether the writers intended it or not, by making these stories such a prominent part of the show and by embracing these story lines, they have also embraced the task of bringing awareness to these situations. That has never been more evident than with the recently resurrected story of Quinn's decision to place her and Puck's baby with an adoptive family.
In the first season, Quinn--popular, pretty Cheerio and New Directions member--experienced an unplanned pregnancy, and after a season of confusing and unrealistic plot complications, placed her daughter Beth with a rival glee club coach who happened to be the birth mother of Quinn's glee club rival Rachel. In the second season, you'd think the writers had forgotten all about this prominent story line. But by season three, it was time to resurrect it...unfortunately.
Shelby, Beth's mother, moves to Lima and takes a job in Quinn and Puck's high school. She confronts Quinn about her destructive lifestyle and dangles the promise of an open adoption before her to encourage her to act more responsibly. And after a single night in the company of Beth and Shelby, Quinn decides to go "good" again in an effort to "get full custody," which she believes will happen in a matter of weeks.
And just like that, the writers have gone off the deep end.
Now, I don't expect these writers to get everything right. Or most things right. After all, anyone who watches this show accepts the need to suspend their disbelief for 60 minutes, and a really true to life story line would stick out like a sore thumb. But I did not expect them to write a story line based solely on research gleaned from Lifetime movies.
This story line does a huge disservice to all members of the adoption triad. It portrays birth mothers as unstable baby snatchers. It feeds the fears of hopeful adoptive parents that their adoption is not permanent and subject to revocation at anytime in the 18 years of their son's or daughter's childhood. It treats innocent adoptees as objects to be passed between waring parties.
Most people that have offered opinions on this particular story line seem to understand that it is far-fetched and rooted in the very active imaginations of the writers. But the target audience of this show are the very teens that it depicts, and when the writers are showing their contempt for the women who choose an adoption plan by showing them to be crazy, spiteful and desperate, it plants seeds of doubt in their heads about the wisdom of an adoption plan.
When only 3% of the teenagers who give birth to a child make an adoption plan, it is important to examine why. Adoption is not the answer for every unplanned pregnancy, no matter the age of the mother. But, for many teen moms, they haven't even considered adoption because they believe adoption is still the closed, shameful and secretive institution of the 60's. And Glee's writers should have taken the opportunity, not necessarily to advocate for adoption, but certainly not to advocate against it.
The optimist in me says that at least people are talking about adoption, and no press is bad press. But I wonder which is worse--not talking about adoption at all, or perpetuating the lies?
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
November is National Adoption Month
November is National Adoption Month, a month dedicated to raising awareness about adoption and celebrating families created through adoption. Throughout the month, I will be posting my views about how society sees adoption in the hope that my readers will take the opportunity to examine their beliefs about adoption.
Since the beginning of this blog, I've been searching for my voice. The process is a lot like trying on clothes. You like how things look on the mannequins, but until you try it on yourself, you just aren't sure of how it will actually look, feel and fit on you.
I intend to continue to provide glimpses into our lives throughout the blog, but wanted to take this opportunity to try and flesh out some thoughts about adoption that seem pretty persistent in my head. I appreciate feedback from you and hope that this provides at least a little food for thought this November.
Since the beginning of this blog, I've been searching for my voice. The process is a lot like trying on clothes. You like how things look on the mannequins, but until you try it on yourself, you just aren't sure of how it will actually look, feel and fit on you.
I intend to continue to provide glimpses into our lives throughout the blog, but wanted to take this opportunity to try and flesh out some thoughts about adoption that seem pretty persistent in my head. I appreciate feedback from you and hope that this provides at least a little food for thought this November.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
From Burden to Blessing...Our Journey To Embracing Open Adoption
November is National Adoption Month. This month, I'd like to take the opportunity to reflect on the journey we have personally undertaken. The following post was written in October, but I have held it for this occasion.
It was one year ago this month that Troy held me as I wept at the devastating news that our third, and what would be our final, attempt at IVF had failed. After I had dried out, he sat down across the table from me and gave me a directive. "Research all of our options. I want to know everything that we can do." As the planner of the family, the person who loves to research and dig into something, I was grateful to accept the task he had set me to. It gave me something to think about. It made me feel like I was moving in a direction. It gave me some purpose. I believe he knew that it was exactly what I needed.
A week later, we sat back down and I had a pro and con list for every option that was available to us including accepting the mantle as permanent DINKs (dual income no kids), embryo adoption and international adoption. I remember that the domestic infant adoption section of my list had a particular concern of mine in bold under the cons: Domestic adoption laws don’t inspire confidence of permanency. Also under the con: Open Adoption.
I can't speak for any other prospective adoptive parents (PAPs), but from what I have gleaned from our agency, and from reading about adoptions in the era of openness, my stance was not atypical. Social workers and authors have said that this is because we PAPs are often insecure about our right to parent after often failing to become pregnant or carrying a pregnancy to term. And those insecurities mean that we perceive birth families as threats to our authority. All I knew was that in every Lifetime Movie I had ever watched (unfortunately Lifetime was the only experience I had of adoption at that time) the plot line revolved around biological parents returning and either legally or illegally regaining custody of their children. Those story lines certainly didn't "inspire confidence of permanency."
I tried to convince Troy that international adoption was the way to go. Not only did 5 weeks in Russia sound like an adventure, but we would not have to worry about those pesky birth parents stalking us or stealing our baby back in the middle of the night. But the cost and time frame were hard to justify and Lifetime Movies were a horrible source upon which to base this life-changing decision.
I sought out information from our agency, the Independent Adoption Center, primarily because their placement time frames seemed to be the shortest around. I read about Open Adoption skeptically, thinking it was more a necessary evil that we would have to learn to cope with in order to shorten our wait time, than a preferred way of life. Eventually, we chose the IAC, though our reluctance in open adoption was ever-present.
For our homestudy, we were required to read two books. Everyone read the first, Children of Open Adoption, and we got to choose our second. Since going down this road of open adoption, I had sought out what seemed to be the bible on Open Adoption, a book entitled Dear Birthmother, co-written by our agency's founder and a pioneer in the field of open adoption. Since I already owned that book, I choose it as our second title.
I have long been fascinated with the power of the written word and love reading letters, which made our choice of Dear Birthmother a particularly moving one. The book is composed mainly of correspondence between members of the adoption triad (birthparents, adoptive parents and adoptees) explaining the reasons they chose adoption, and their wishes for their loved ones that support the dismantling of the four myths of adoption, some of which I admittedly believed. The poignancy of the letters and the deep expressions of love and hope with which the adoption decision was made made me cry and made me think.
All of a sudden, it wasn't, as one of my old colleague's mentioned, "adopting the birth parent, too." It was honoring the role that another family played in our child's life. It was respecting their sacrifices, and the hope and expectations that drove them to this decision. It was allowing our child the answers to all of the tough questions from the very people that made the decisions. It was also allowing us the opportunity to share something special with even more people.
On occasion, I will re-read my journal from a year ago when we were weighing our options. I laugh now because each entry seemed to point in a different direction. It truly seemed we were a bit rudderless there for a time. But now, with experience and research, and a good dose of reality, I can say that our compass is pointed firmly due north, toward our future with an Open Adoption, no longer a burden, but a blessing for our family's future.
It was one year ago this month that Troy held me as I wept at the devastating news that our third, and what would be our final, attempt at IVF had failed. After I had dried out, he sat down across the table from me and gave me a directive. "Research all of our options. I want to know everything that we can do." As the planner of the family, the person who loves to research and dig into something, I was grateful to accept the task he had set me to. It gave me something to think about. It made me feel like I was moving in a direction. It gave me some purpose. I believe he knew that it was exactly what I needed.
A week later, we sat back down and I had a pro and con list for every option that was available to us including accepting the mantle as permanent DINKs (dual income no kids), embryo adoption and international adoption. I remember that the domestic infant adoption section of my list had a particular concern of mine in bold under the cons: Domestic adoption laws don’t inspire confidence of permanency. Also under the con: Open Adoption.
I can't speak for any other prospective adoptive parents (PAPs), but from what I have gleaned from our agency, and from reading about adoptions in the era of openness, my stance was not atypical. Social workers and authors have said that this is because we PAPs are often insecure about our right to parent after often failing to become pregnant or carrying a pregnancy to term. And those insecurities mean that we perceive birth families as threats to our authority. All I knew was that in every Lifetime Movie I had ever watched (unfortunately Lifetime was the only experience I had of adoption at that time) the plot line revolved around biological parents returning and either legally or illegally regaining custody of their children. Those story lines certainly didn't "inspire confidence of permanency."
I tried to convince Troy that international adoption was the way to go. Not only did 5 weeks in Russia sound like an adventure, but we would not have to worry about those pesky birth parents stalking us or stealing our baby back in the middle of the night. But the cost and time frame were hard to justify and Lifetime Movies were a horrible source upon which to base this life-changing decision.
I sought out information from our agency, the Independent Adoption Center, primarily because their placement time frames seemed to be the shortest around. I read about Open Adoption skeptically, thinking it was more a necessary evil that we would have to learn to cope with in order to shorten our wait time, than a preferred way of life. Eventually, we chose the IAC, though our reluctance in open adoption was ever-present.
For our homestudy, we were required to read two books. Everyone read the first, Children of Open Adoption, and we got to choose our second. Since going down this road of open adoption, I had sought out what seemed to be the bible on Open Adoption, a book entitled Dear Birthmother, co-written by our agency's founder and a pioneer in the field of open adoption. Since I already owned that book, I choose it as our second title.
I have long been fascinated with the power of the written word and love reading letters, which made our choice of Dear Birthmother a particularly moving one. The book is composed mainly of correspondence between members of the adoption triad (birthparents, adoptive parents and adoptees) explaining the reasons they chose adoption, and their wishes for their loved ones that support the dismantling of the four myths of adoption, some of which I admittedly believed. The poignancy of the letters and the deep expressions of love and hope with which the adoption decision was made made me cry and made me think.
All of a sudden, it wasn't, as one of my old colleague's mentioned, "adopting the birth parent, too." It was honoring the role that another family played in our child's life. It was respecting their sacrifices, and the hope and expectations that drove them to this decision. It was allowing our child the answers to all of the tough questions from the very people that made the decisions. It was also allowing us the opportunity to share something special with even more people.
On occasion, I will re-read my journal from a year ago when we were weighing our options. I laugh now because each entry seemed to point in a different direction. It truly seemed we were a bit rudderless there for a time. But now, with experience and research, and a good dose of reality, I can say that our compass is pointed firmly due north, toward our future with an Open Adoption, no longer a burden, but a blessing for our family's future.
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